Script.

I started writing this back in January so pretty much all of my jokes in the opening are completely irrelevant and I had to start over again. Take whatever take this is, and let’s get this show back on the road.

We live in interesting times for the Evercade; the original models are discontinued, more cartridges are going out of print, I still can’t meet a deadline to save my shit. There are giga carts coming out, the Evercade is emulating PS1 games now. It’s crazy. Now that there’s a $100 version coming out, I kinda want to get my hands on that Evercade Exp. The color scheme isn’t fantastic but if I can save a third of the cost without the Capcom games I’m fine with that.

But for right now let’s talk about Atari. Specifically the second Atari cart.

When it comes to Atari it’s fair to say I don’t have much nostalgia for them. Or any nostalgia for that matter. What can I say, I was born in 1989 and my first gaming system was the Gameboy. The original, the kind that can take an IED blast and still work fine. So I view the Atari carts as being for two types of people; Either you’re buying them for the nostalgia in which case you don’t need my opinion, or you’re buying the carts because you own the system and why not add to that collection.

As usual I’ll be giving these a thumbs up or thumbs down.

#1: Air Sea Battle (2600)

I love the Atari 2600 advertising style of “27 games in one. What a bargain.” Air Sea Battle is one of those games I started recording video for thinking okay I’ll get a couple minutes of this and suffer through it and then do my writeup about how it’s barely playable by today’s standards. And then the CPU beat me, and it kicked into gear that competitive part of my brain. So of course I had to go through each of the modes and whoop the CPU’s ass. And it was close.

There is no AI in this game. There are 27 modes that are variations on the same six or so actual varieties, and each game includes a “single player” mode where the CPU just holds down the fire button and never moves or changes angle. It’s proof of how far you can get in Air Sea Battle employing absolutely no strategy. Or maybe that’s just one of the better strategies. Every match lasts two minutes and sixteen seconds exactly. That’s important to know for absolutely no reason. And I’m not making a dig at the game over its AI. They had four kilobytes to work with.

My verdict? I’m going to say thumbs down on both systems. Assuming you can get a friend to play with you on the vs, they won’t be your friend for long.

#2: Asteroids (7800)

It sure is Asteroids alright. This is the 7800 version meaning it’s somewhere between the 2800 version and the arcade version. But at the end of the day it’s still Asteroids and there’s nothing wrong with that. I said the same thing in my review of the 2600 version on the first Atari cart and I’ll say the same thing here; I wish Evercade would come out with a joystick controller for the Vs. I tried a couple of options and the only thing I learned is that the C64 mini joystick really does suck.

But other than that, what can you really say about Asteroids 7800? Other than that I give it a thumbs up on both systems.

#3: Basketbrawl (7800)

Basketbrawl is the funniest game I’ve played on Evercade by a long shot, and I’ve played Ninja Golf. This game has taught me a lot of about street basketball. Particularly I learned the value of kicking the crap out of your opponent as a winning strategy. Seriously. It’s actually mentioned in the manual before they talk about the basketball stuff. The basketball part of this game is absolute dog ass, the shooting mechanics have seemingly no rhyme or reason behind them or strategy on how to figure out your shots and actually shoot them.

On the other hand I can just beat my opponent unconscious and then spend the entire rest of the game just dunking the ball on them. We thought that Mario Party ruined friendships and family ties, imagine how angry your little brother would be after you just decked him unconscious and all he can do is watch while you free throw his ass to a 300-nil defeat.

Do I recommend it? As a fair game? No. But if you ever need to let off some steam it’s worth a hearty chuckle. Thumbs up.

#4: Bowling (2600)

This is a bowling game and that’s all I have to say about it.

Bowling on the Atari 2600 is bowling and it’s on the Atari 2600. There are three game modes that dictate how the ball rolls after you throw it, and each of those modes has single player and multiplayer. Honestly there’s not much great I can say about this game but not much bad I can say about it either. It’s like the video game equivalent of a Warhead candy. It does exactly what it says on the packaging. Nothing more, nothing less.

That being said I’m going to give this a thumbs up on the Evercade and two thumbs up on the Evercade Vs., because if you’re going to play this you might as well play two player while torturing a younger family member about how games used to be in your day.

#5: Centipede (7800)

If you want to know my thoughts on Centipede for the 7800, just take my review of Asteroids in this same cart and replace the game title. I love Centipede, it is a quintessential Atari game. And much like Asteroids it’s one of those games that even the pared down version was a reasonable facsimile of the arcade version. And the 7800 version? Brings us closer to parity with the arcade game.

Thumbs up on both handhelds.

#6: Dark Chambers (2600)

Dark Chambers is a test of endurance. It’s not a terrible game, it’s just not good and also the levels cycle around. I wish I had known that earlier. But Dark Chambers is very similar to Gauntlet and it is not a difficult game in the slightest outside of the sheer determination of mapping out levels and not getting bored. None of the enemies pose a threat, the ground is littered in gold and healing items, and it’s truly an early ass RPG.

And I didn’t half-ass this game for the review. I played through all twenty six levels from A to zed blind before finding out at the end that you get looped into an early level and it all starts over again. Bring your own music, because this game is nearly dead silent. I’m playing the Evercade music behind this just because I need something in the background.

#7: Demons to Diamonds (2600)

Demons to diamonds is 1.) surprisingly complex for an Atari 2600 game and 2.) surprisingly complex for a game whose premise is in the title. Just check out this gameplay footage and tell me if you can figure out what the goal of the game is. I’ll wait.

Actually I won’t. The goal of Demons to Diamonds is to turn demons into diamonds, but you can’t turn all demons into diamonds. The demons have to match the color of your laser and if you hit them with your laser they turn into diamonds, and then you hit the diamonds while they are still on screen. If they don’t match they turn into skulls which I know from personal experience at my local pawn shops are not considered diamonds. And then those skulls try to kill you. Don’t hit the mismatch skulls.

It’s a pretty unique game concept and fun to play for a little bit here and there. There’s a two player mode that could offer some good competition if you’ve got someone to play with. I’m going to give this one thumb up on the Evercade, two thumbs up on the Vs.

#8: Desert Falcon (7800)

Desert Falcon on the 7800 is like the opposite of Asteroids and Centipede. Just because they made the game look better doesn’t mean it plays any better. I’ve seen a lot of positive praise for Desert Falcon on the internet and I just don’t get it. Maybe you had to have been there at the time. I will say that the more I play Desert Falcon on the Atari 7800 the more I think I’m getting it. Playing this is like reading a book where the author devised their own language.

The graphics are better than the 2800 version, obviously, but it’s still ridiculously hard to figure out just how high your bird is and what you can and cannot hit. It also doesn’t help that enemies rise and fall while they’re moving, making the whole thing kind of a perspective mess. Also it’s really stupid in my current era brain that you can side-step into an object and immediately die. Like my bird casually walks into a pyramid and just breaks his neck.

Desert Falcon is probably too complicated for what an Atari 7800 game deserves to be, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and give it a thumbs up with the caveat that it’s an acquired taste. Almost everyone who owned this on the Atari as a kid seems to love it, all six people who bought an Atari 7800.

#9: Haunted House (2600)

My opinion on Haunted House has soured since I played the game for my original Evercade review, and it’s because I played the higher levels. Haunted House is a ridiculously complicated game for Atari 2600 and while creative it isn’t enjoyable. It’s also one of those games you need to look up the manual because you’ll have no clue what you’re doing, what the goal is, or what you need to do without it.

The nine game modes represent the nine difficulty levels. Your base goal is to roam around the haunted house, collect three pieces of the urn, and escape while avoiding ghosts. In the first mode the house is well lit. From then on the house is dark, some doors are locked but there’s a master key which is either in the same spot every time or random, there are more tarantulas chasing you, all five creatures can chase you from room to room, any time you are touched by a bat whatever you are holding gets transported to a random room, creatures move faster, the ghost isn’t affected by the sceptre, and the floor plan is different every time. What the hell.

It’s too much. I predict most people will play this a couple of times and get pissed. It’s a creative concept, but not a fun game. Thumbs down.

#10: Human Cannonball (2600)

There are two types of people who play Human Cannonball on the Atari 2600. You have the dweebs who complain that it’s too frustrating to figure out and it’s not fun. And then there’s the sigma Chad gamers who whip out their Hello Kitty deskpad and figure out the combination like they’re deciphering the enigma code while guzzling alcoholic waffle batter and eating handfuls of screws like they’re potato chips.

It’s kinda like a puzzle that you figure out once and then the mystery is dead. Thumbs down on everything.

#11: Millipede (2600)

Millipede on the Atari 2600 is many things. It isn’t fun. It might have had something going for it in a world where you’re jonesing for a Millipede game on a handheld system and at the time this released it was your only choice for that. But thankfully for everyone involved the arcade version can literally be purchased on the Evercade system in the form of the Atari Arcade collection. I’m not sure who among us actually prefers the Atari version.

Don’t comment if you’re one of those people.

Thumbs down.

#12: Planet Smashers (7800)

Another game I’ve soured on since my review three years ago. Planet Smashers is annoying, slow, and boring. The sounds are ear-grating and you see pretty much everything the game has to offer in the first three minutes. It’s your typical scrolling shooter with a bit of a twist. You have a running earth shield that incentivizes you to actually shoot everything instead of merely dodging it. Which also makes the game more frustrating by throwing a ton of crap at you at once.

Its a game whose value is only in its rarity and the carts don’t go for $200 plus on Ebay because it’s so much fun to play.

Thumbs down.

#13: Radar Lock

Radar Lock is an ambitious game and truly for the hardest of hardcore. It doesn’t work that good, but when you’re playing Radar Lock it’s hard not to be impressed by what they pulled off with this old ass gaming system. And then it gets really frustrating and really difficult. Radar Lock is a faux-3D fighter jet game where you go around a map killing things that look vaguely like enemy planes. The big problem with this game is that it’s constantly hard to figure out the placement of everything any time, which makes things like dodging missiles very difficult.

I maintain that even the manual is useless in figuring out how to refuel at the end of the level. This is one of those bonding moments where an older sibling would show the younger one how to do it in return for his fruit rollup at lunch the next day. Thumbs down.

#14: Realsports Tennis

I was really in a different state of mind reviewing this cart back in 2021. RealSports Tennis is mediocrity personified. It’s a tennis game that bases itself off of hoping the other guy screws up before you do. The best feature of the game is its really long name board at the start of the match. Otherwise your characters just pitch the ball back and forth until someone misses it. It’s next to impossible to control where your ball goes and there’s no opportunity to set up some really killer tennis moves.

Probably more impressive back in 1983. I tried to name myself benis burger and it didn’t work out.

Thumbs down.

#15: Solaris

Hey everyone, editor Connor here. I had a whole bit written out for the Solaris part of this review, but I decided not to do it because I’m actually afraid of giving someone in my audience a seizure. Let’s just say Solaris is a game that’s going to put you in the hospital if you have even a lesser case of epilepsy or other problems with flashing lights. I can’t recommend this game for a lot of reasons and the strobe lights are a big part of it.

Thumbs down.

#16: SprintMaster

SprintMaster is only playable if you’re suffering through it with another person, and even then it’s barely playable. An RC racing game that touts 27 games in one, SprintMaster is ridiculously frustrating to control, and if you’re playing against the CPU which I suspect drives perfectly because the CPU doesn’t have the processing power to do anything else, the game is completely unplayable.

When I die and go to hell, I’m going to be forced to play this game 400 hours a day. Thumbs down.

#17: Street Racer

Street Racer is a launch-era Atari game meaning it’s nigh unplayable by today’s standards. It’s almost more interesting to consider that people probably used to sit down and play this game for hours. Thumbs down.

#18: Submarine Commander

Submarine Commander is technically impressive, but otherwise really boring. You’re in a submarine looking through the periscope attacking the same couple of ships that float by every few seconds. From a purely historical point of view it’s another example of the crazy ideas programmers came up with back then. But it hasn’t been a fun game since 1985.

Thumbs down.

#19: Wizard

Wizard is an interesting game if you’re a collector of unreleased Atari titles. This one didn’t see the light of day until 2005 and is a prototype developed way back in 1980 by Chris Crawford. It is very clearly a prototype and I’d say most of its value comes from that alone. You play as a wizard fighting against a monster in a labyrinth. With two players on the Evercade Vs., player 2 can control said monster.

It’s not very deep and two player mode is ridiculously hard because player 2 can’t see their character most of the time.

Thumbs up for historical purposes, thumbs down for gameplay value.

#20: Yars Revenge

Yars Revenge is the brainchild of Howard Scott Warshaw, a man who receives a $200 kickback every time this game puts someone in the hospital, Yars Revenge is all about whittling down the enemy shield until you can use yourself as a homing beacon for a big laser that will take them out once and for all. Repeat the same two levels over and over again until your migraine is too much to continue playing, and that’s Yars Revenge.

It’s a pretty simple concept and a relatively fun one to boot.

Bonus:

Here’s a fun secret that isn’t secret at all. If you own both Atari Evercade carts and put them into the Vs at the same time, you unlock a 7800 version of Dark Chambers. It’s Dark Chambers on the 2800 but better in every conceivable way. That’s all I’ve got for this one.

Conclusion:

There are twenty games on the second Atari cart, so if you do some complicated math that comes out to about a buck per game. The Evercade and Vs are the same in terms of recommendations and out of twenty titles on the Atari #2 collection I gave eight of them a thumbs up. If Atari wasn’t a demon wearing the skin suit of nostalgia I’d believe that they put some of these games on for genuine historical value and appreciation for their creators. But I know they really do it because it’s cheap and because licensing for these old games is a nightmare.

Should you buy the Atari cart? Probably not. It’s actually getting really hard to find since Evercade stopped producing them at the end of 2023. Most of the official stores don’t even have them in stock anymore. As far as Atari goes, there are two Lynx cartridges and one Atari arcade cart as of me writing this script. All of these carts are legacy releases and probably won’t be

Like and subscribe and I’ll see you in 2027 for my next Evercade review. I’m probably going to review the Duke Nukem carts next because they’re new and relevant.